Public Service Announcement:
TOMAS LIAM IS GOD.

I would bear his children if I wasn't deathly afraid of all things related to reproduction.

That is all.

Eulogy://Here's to the Night

To: Satan
Re: The soul market

It has come to my attention that you are accepting scraps of metaphysical existance (i.e. "souls") in return for goods and/or services intended to make mortals' stay on this God forsaken chunk of rock more tolerable.

I was wondering if this service is available to people who are already going to burn in your fiery pit for all eternity, or for non-Christians too. Also, because it's against my principles to make anything easy for anybody, I wish to barter for your services.

First and foremost in my demands, I would like Kouri to wake up to find three pounds of sand in her shoes in retribution for leaving me hanging on And I Will Touch The Sky. It doesn't even have to be good quality sand, I'm easily pleased.

Second: Tori Spelling. I don't know what the hell you were thinking, or drinking, or even snorting, but take her back.

Third, they say absolute power corrupts absolutely. Therefore I would like semi-phenomenal, nearly-cosmic power. I'd like to be only moderately corrupted so that I a can do bad, bad things but still have suckers like me.

Fourth, I really don't think three hundred billion dollars in small, unmarked bills is too much to ask. Inflation man, inflation.

And finally, I want all of the stupid people in the world to drop dead. Or, that failing, all suddenly lose gravity and float off into space so that I don't have to deal with them.

I have spoken to a lawyer about this and I believe I should be able to pay you in other souls I've aquired rather than my own. My sister's, for example, she's not using it. And I'm willing to damn somebody else for eternity for each of my demands met. You're not going to find a deal like that anywhere else. Please reply promptly, I have other deities to piss off.

Yours (not literally, mind you), Shell

- - - - - - - - - -

To: God
Re: Your fanclub

Sir, these people frighten me. Please issue a memo asking them to drop the whole Harry Potter issue and request that witch trials and burnings not be repeated.

Also, I'm well aware that you gave me the life that is the equivelent of a hotel room right next to the ice machine. I have only one thing to say about this. Your mother wears red army boots, so sucks to your mocking, fool.

That is all.

Yours, Shell

Shell last staked a vampire @ 7:21 p.m.
on Friday, December 7, 2001